This is Luis, from the ACX team. I hope you and your loved ones are safe.
and thank you for this lovely (half) canned email! And on the day we reach the 2-month mark, no less! Yes, two whole months without review, interspersed with empty emails: how times flies, Luis! So, since my life is now mostly spent inferring ragged pieces of information from canned ACX emails, let me know if the following is accurate:
I apologize for the delay in quality assurance review for your title. To ensure that titles are processed through in a timely manner, and for the sake of fairness, the Quality Assurance team must prioritize first-time submissions. We want to ensure that each title is given the attention and care it deserves in a timely fashion. Our Quality Assurance team is here to ensure that your audiobooks are at the high caliber to which Audible listeners are accustomed.
→ My book is low-priority because it isn’t my first book. I have successfully published and sold several titles before that one, and earned ACX close to $74,000 over the past four years, it is, therefore, fair that my new title be granted the lowest possible priority.
Due to limited bandwidth, if an audiobooks needs revisions, especially multiple times, this can cause significant delays in the Quality Assurance process. To ensure a seamless and expedited experience, please ensure that all submissions steadfastly adhere to the ACX Audio Submission Requirements:
I’d better pucker up and pray, because any technical glitch will cost me another two to three months!
Thank you for your patience while we look into this for you. If you don’t receive an email providing updates, you will receive an email to let you know the audiobook has been released to stores.
→ “Fuck you, Camilla, from the bottom of our hearts: The book will be here when it’s here, and we don’t even have to answer your stupid emails. We own your sorry ass; you’re dirt under our shoes; No hang on, you’re dirt under our dog’s shoes. Wait for our automated email if or when it comes, like the good little indie bitch you are, and say thank you.”
Now, the book is being reviewed by the QA Team, after they approve it we still need to wait like 10 business days more to complete the process to send it to the retailers.
→ The book has been assigned to, like, the Quality Assurance Team, like, nearly two weeks ago, and when they finally decide to, like, review it, ACX will need another, like, two full weeks to push it to retail: that means that a book submitted, like, at the beginning of June has a thin hope of being released, like… in September.
We strive to ensure that all ACX members have a pleasant and lucrative experience. I hope I was able to help and your new projects are very prosperous. Take care.
ACX hopes that the new project whose launch window it totally blew and which it will do nothing to release in a timely manner turns out very prosperous and lucrative, too. That’s a level of cynicism and cruelty rarely seen even in the cut-throat book business.
I hope you have the best and most fulfilling day at ACX customer support, Luis, and I want you to know that every second I have spent dealing with ACX over the past two months has been an absolute joy and honor, and every cent of the 60% to 75% royalty I relinquish to ACX on every title sold gives me a tiny orgasm. (Don’t I sound like an ACX exec already? I’m getting the hang of this!)
With my deepest love,
Camilla Monk designs sleek websites for book industry professionals and writes high-octane nonsense. She lives in Montréal, where she feeds the squirrels and tries to raise a toddler.