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“Titty Fuck First!”: The Live Review…

Johnny Bravo

In which I accidentally stumble on a complete gem on Amazon and share the love:
Update: Edited, formatted and with a new, more comprehensive review of the first 8% of this emotional journey.

1%

A short sex vignette in guise of a prologue, where the hero is apparently nailing the heroine and pins her with his “superior mass” (his words).

2%

In which we meet the heroine, a curvy brown-haired girl with a “beautiful” blonde twin, who never misses an opportunity to criticize her, according to the heroine. Indeed, one of the first lines of the evil twin is “You look disgusting.” Subtle character.

2%

There’s a party at the hero’s penthouse. His inner dialogue boast about him being a tech entrepreneur and a “fucking billionaire”. He insists that it means “One. Fucking. Billion. Dollars”. Also he says right afterward that it’s a pharmaceutical company researching drugs, but I thought he was in tech. Never mind.

3%

Several reminders that he’s a billionaire and bitches fall to his feet because women “love testosterone”. He’s spotted the heroine. Calls her juicy repeatedly.

4%

A plot device forces the heroine to literally fall into his arms. “My dick lost its mind and punched out against my fly”.

5%

Heroine rejects his advances, but he physically drags her to a balcony despite her protests.

6%

Heroine is afraid of heights and is trembling. Hero seizes the opportunity to comfort her. I sense rape.

8%

She’s in his bedroom already? Come ON.

11%

“In a flash, his jeans were off”. This is going too fast, even for me.

13%

It’s about his large “dong” which apparently looks like a porn star’s. Also, virgin heroine. This is very promising …

16%

“Like a slave, I fell to my knees before the massive tool”. Okay, I feel like Island right now.

18%

I just read the word “femaleness” This is overall terrible and highly quotable

21%

OMG, the heroine is twenty five like Island. Also “steaming cunny”. Ew.

24%

So here we have standard erotic romance defloration, complete with manhandling, immediate orgasm, juices everywhere. Also, I suspect a pregnancy subplot, because I just read the words “coating my ovaries”. (Oh, my bad, it was more than an innuendo, the heroine states that she just frumped a stranger with no protection. Pregnancy scenario it is, then.)

26%

Plot twist: the curvy heroine’s beautiful and shallow twin is the billionaire’s fiancée!

28%

The hero is angry that he risked a STD with the virgin heroine (makes sense), but he’s planning on going for rounds “2,3 or 4” anyway (“A hot box is a hot box”). He’s not worried about babies, though. Or his girlfriend.

29%

He doesn’t like the shallow fiancée (who happens to have ugly feet)

30%

Apparently, the mean and shallow fiancée bought the ring behind his back with his own credit card, and when she showed it to everyone, he felt he had not choice but to be engaged with her …

32%

Kindle says I will encounter 184 occurrences of “fuck” throughout this, also I feel like I keep reading the word “bitch”

34%

Evil twin is evil. Makes it through law school by stealing the nice twin’s work and seducing teachers

37%

Hero finally finds himself in a room with both girls at the same times and he has no clue they’re related … W. T. F.

39%

Looking at the heroine’s eyes reminds the hero of when she was on her knees, looking up at him as she … well, you get the idea. I’m tasting the romance, here!

42%

He is “rock hard” and “ready to spew”. In a restaurant.

45%

The evil twin is publicly making plans for their wedding even when hero has no intention to marry her. Our alpha hero remains speechless.

46%

The heroine is pregnant!

47%

Utterly confused: I think she left the table at the restaurant and he went after her, but now she’s ranting about the pregnancy and I have no indication of who is where.

49%

“The unexpectd pregnancy was a shoker.” For God’s sakes it wasn’t! You didn’t use a condom, you didn’t check your sorry ass afterward! Also, the word “cunny” is starting to make me cringe.

50%

The previous scene in the restaurant has resumed. To the surprise of absolutely no one, she sought refuge in the ladies’ room. I say she’s looking at a double pregnancy! Twins! *winks*

51%

Now she’s back at the table and we’re seeing again the scene where she excuses herself?

53%

Back in the ladies’ room. Hero has entered. Rape-like scenario starts after two paragraphs. She’s fighting back, he keeps going at it and says “I love it when you fight.” Creep factor: over 9000. Jesus, I picked this book randomly and it’s ticking all of my boxes …

53%

First meltdown: so they’re back at it, there’s wetness and horrible adjectives everywhere, his “long dong” is out, and the heroine immediately gets on her knees to do what she must, but the virile hero stops her. “Titty fuck first,” he tells her. And I can’t stop laughing.

54%

“Uhhh,” he groaned again. “Unnh unnh.”

55%

The heroine is a poor student, but luckily, she splurge at Victoria’s secret nonetheless, and happened to be wearing slutty lingerie. The world is saved! Also, depiction of “gooey cream” dripping on the floor. EW.

55%

He just bit her clitoris and she orgasmed. That is not how any of this works.

57%

Atrocious. Also, a man doesn’t ejaculate more if you … squeeze his … sac. I need air.

58%

Quoting the hero: “At least we knew each other’s name now, that was a step in the right direction”

60%

Hero is angry because his brother is hitting on the heroine. Dramatic tension!

63%

Hero’s brother is a farmer from Wyoming who talks like a hillbilly and a gangster (at the same time) and is the CFO of the big pharmaceutical company hero owns. It remains unclear what hero does at this point, as part of his role as CEO.

64%

Heroine, who happens to be a law student, wonders whether hero could legally force her to have a second trimester abortion.

66%

Mandatory visit of the heroine to the hero in his lavish CEO building with sexy assistants.

68%

The hero’s company received a variety of non-descript awards such as “Best HIV drug”.

71%

Gasp! It turns out that the hero is preying on the weak by increasing the price of the drugs whose patent he purchases!

74%

According to the heroine, the kiss is so good that it reminds her of why this man is CEO, because he’s used to getting his way!

76%

Heroine dumps him without telling him shes pregnant, because he’s a cruel CEO and he’s her sister’s fiancé.

79%

Six month later. The child is born, and somehow, hero is still with the evil sister, complaining that he’s stuck with a witch. Why?

82%

The baby is deadly ill! Already!

84%

The baby has leukemia. This turned into a grisly drama without warning

87%

Annnd the only treatment is the one with a prohibitive price sold by the ruthless profit-seeking hero! (I almost miss the sex)

89%

For some reason, the drug’s name is “Pernacular”

92%

The hero is getting bad press for increasing the price of the Pernacular, but all he can think of is the heroine! (There are actually some decently researched paragraphs about the pharmaceutical industry in this part.)

95%

“You’re saying that of the two times we had sex, one time my little guys swam up to one of your eggs, and made love, sweet love, resulting in a baby?” Hero learns about the pregnancy, is visibly displeased.

97%

HE’S NOT GIVING THE TREATMENT.

99%

Hero changed his mind and he’s giving the baby … blue pills. That child is going to get her groove on!

100%

Uh wait. Apparently it’s the epilogue already and they’ve become a happy family. SWEET JESUS there are two stories in this. ON TO PART 2!

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Erotic Romance Live Review, Part #2: The Twin Stepbrothers (“Aiee!”)

14 Comments. Leave new

  • Francesca Macilroy
    February 26, 2016 1:19 pm

    I was laughing all the way through this. Not a bad way to spend my working lunch. Can’t wait for the rest.

    Reply
  • This is actually better than reading the actual book!! I think we should create a trend and do this with all bad erotic books…we will save so much time…and money…

    Reply
    • LOL. If you check the ‘bookshelf of hell’ section of my website, you will find all two other posts ready to fulfill your 5mn dark erotica needs. 😉

      Reply
  • Oh I love this. I can’t wait to read more XD I honestly never knew there were books like this out there. I’m totally missing out

    Reply
  • Love it. Please read all the books on my TBR list, plus plenty of books that aren’t, and report back. 🙂

    Reply
  • Hilarious!! I was laughing so hard my neighbor (whose patio is close to my house) tapped on my open window to see if I was okay and asked what was so funny? I referred her to your site (and offered to lend her my copy of SPOTLESS) as I just simply couldn’t do your review justice in explanation.
    I hate for you to have to suffer through more of this kind of ‘writing’, but keep ’em coming if you can bear it. Thanks so much, you made my day!

    Reply
  • Hahahahha! Sometime I wonder if erotica is ever going to go beyond the Twilight plot. I would genuinely read a Twilight- esque book filled with your commentary though.

    Reply
    • I am ashamed to say, that there’s a God-forsaken, yet-to-be-released companion book to the Spotless series, an 50 Shades of Gray inspired spoof, featuring Bad-sex-sloth Hadrian Ellingham! 😉

      Reply
  • This is amazing. Only a truly talented writer can make a terrible book tolerable. You are hilarious. Please do more of these.

    Reply
    • Thank! I realize I never replied to you – the comment got stuck in the unapproved list, somehow – I apologize for this!
      I’ll be a bit swamped until the end of April, but once I’ve turned in book 3 for editing, I might indulge again. 🙂

      Reply

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